First Night of Revival

It's one thing to think you know something and another to have not a doubt your correct. That's how I feel sometimes when I come home and smell the alcohol under his breath that he trys so hard to hide due to the simple fact of him not knowing when I'll be home. I do this on purpose, that is to not tell him when I'll come home so I can catch him off guard. Sounds cruel I know, but it's a way of protecting myself and figuring out if he is indeed the boy who will rise to be my man. I plan to only get married once in my life. Therefore I don't want to choose the wrong knight for my castle. On another note tonight was the first time I went to a revival in a very long time. The second speaker was the one who made me want to change my life. I realize I'm not generally as happy as I once was before my father abandoned me. I try so hard to put it behind me, but I struggle with the thought of someone I looked up to and thought loved me the most in this world flat out leaving me..no letter, no goodbye, no phone call, or even a dinky little text. Pathetic. People keep on saying he needs me and I should forgive him for all he's done to me.. sending pictures of me to drug dealers off of our personal pictures on the computer.. Spending all of our money on strip clubs..leaving me with no money, food, or transportation. Tuff? I thought so a bit. I was raised in a Christian environment for years..but when my fathers life was falling apart, so was my world. I lost everyone who I thought loved me including friends. So I ventured out to find my own healing solution. Drugs and alcohol were the simple solution.. even though it didn't solve much of anything for me at all. It only brought me further from the place in life I wanted to be. The further down I dragged myself the more I felt drowned in my sea of helplessness. So tonight the speaker motivated me to go back to God for Joy. That's when I was the happiest before the summer of 2009. I want to go back to that place in my heart...

       The man I'm with may be slowly slipping through my fingers; why? Have'nt figured yet. Maybe he doesn't understand when your pregnant your hormones are amped up. Or maybe he's tweeking out over becoming a father in September? I suppose I'll just wait it out.  Another secret being hid from me rewards in my dissapearance. Maybe I'll head North and watch the snow fall in the winter... Shady is hopefully a thing of the past. I couldn't bare having my heart being deystroyed again; although it is still in recovery of my father walking out on me, and my mothers abuse towards me. I'm at the point in life at such a young age to have no one to turn to but God himself. Even that is hard to do for me after all the mistakes I have not admitted to. I blamed God for alot. But for what reason? He didn't make my dad leave, or make my mother raise a hand to me. He gave man the will to obide by his own rules. If you ever read my blog, you'll have to understand I'm writing from my heart. No where else. I do not pre-write or check over what I write. I just write to get it off my mind. Also my thoughts are scattered, therefore so will my blogs.