Distance

    I wish Brad and I could just get along. I feel so frustrated and tired of not being happy with Brad. I know the only reason is probably because he's 2,000 miles away. I just don't know how long this is going to work. The communication is so tough and it's so hard to get over a fight when you cant literally kiss and makeup..I just get so worried that this is going to ruin our relationship. I don't want to admit to Brad that him working on the road scares the hell out of me because I don't want him to give up what he has to do in order to save money for our baby on the way and LeAnn. I'm just so stressed for him and my heart breaks for his loneliness...I just know he hurts by my words and I cant wrap my arms around him and tell him I'm sorry like I normally do. Marriage is ALOT of work. I'm emotionally drained right now and frustrated. I just feel like were hurting from a distance...

  Ever feel like there's just no light at the end of the tunnel?
Just like nothing ever seems to go right or maybe it does for only a small portion of time? Like life has got you wrapped around it's hands when it should be the other way around.. Well, I feel like that so often. Sometimes Brad and I could be having a great day but it always seems like he's hiding something..idk I could be wrong but I can almost just sense it in my gut. He's been working on the road for a month and a couple weeks now and one of his friends posted on facebook they were all out drinking and he had some allaby for it so I just feel like something is gonna come out to bite me in the you know what.. I just wish God could tell me the future so I could be prepared for heartache. Am I making the same mistake again? Becoming so naive to trusting someone I know nothing about. Shouldn't I know more about the man I married and his past...? Why don't I..? Will I be hurting LeAnn by taking her away from Shelly and Cristie to a state that I have no familiarity of? I guess I'll find out eventually. Sometimes I feel like this could be a mistake and I'm leaving my "safe zone" in life. I'm already 6 months pregnant with Brad's baby. I know nobody said marriage was easy or anything but what if you find yourself second guessing yourself... is it bc of a third party opinion or something I've never taken notice to before or just ignored the feeling. Is my past too much baggage for Brad or for any man to take on? I sometimes find myself saying I'll never be good enough. Why isn't there an actual easy button in life??? I honestly am terrified of moving back up to Indiana! So many what ifs. Will I ever find it in myself to actually fully trust another man...Is this what God intended for me or is this the result of my wrong doing. Maybe 2 people who met in a club were never meant to find each other. I'm questioning my choices and my marriage.

Til Death Do us Part

       Must you know, I am married now. I'm currently 18 weeks pregnant and going through what feels like the hardest time with my marriage. Maybe it's because I'm pregnant or just a rough start...but let me tell ya I feel like I'm losing my mind here. I wish someone knew how I felt. I'm so stinkin frustrated with Brad. Seems like we cant agree on what color the sky is lately and I finally opened up to him about how  totured and abandoned I was and felt when everyone I loved and was supposed to love me LEFT ME. I thought he understood...apparently not because he used it against me in our fight the next day. It was a little piercing to the heart if you know what I mean. He talks to me like I'm a dog and tells me I need to listen to him and I have no opinion...God does it just hurt. The moment I feel like I'm starting to grow in my relationship with God this crap happens. He caused me to have a complete meltdown and threatens me with divorce and tells me that his dad was right about me. His father is a whole entire different conversation...lets just say the man has called me a whore to Brad, need I say more? Honestly....what am I to do? Brad wont listen to me!! I keep on asking him to do marriage courses with me and he thinks "nothing" is wrong with us...REALLY.....I mean really now. A blind man could see we need help. Nothing I do is good enough for him and seriously 9 times out of 10 a complaint about anything will come out of his mouth. So over the negativity.. The last thing I will say is.....HELP! I dont want to fail...

Heaven

Everyday I try to bite my lip before I make another excuse to why I can't keep my head up. LeAnn is my everything from my Sunrise to my Sunset and all the times I get up to put the pacey in her mouth in between time. My life revolves around this little life I work so hard for. I wish I could give her everything, I could lay here and cry my eyes out knowing I wont be able to tend to her every step. It crushes me to the bone..Someday all this pain will wash away and I'll be able to stand tall for her. Somewhere over the rainbow my blue sky will shine..

Beautiful Rescue

Living with T's parents isn't easy by any means. When I go to lay down in R's bed all I can think about is where T and I started. From the Tiffany's ring to our pumpkin carvings...that came out disastrous by the way. T's dad and I couldn't agree less on probably every topic...ever. Eh, and all I can do is keep my mouth shut. It's so frustrating that everywhere I look I see a memory in every room. Kitchen- making french toast, eggs with franks hot sauce. Bedroom- well what can I say? Bathroom- our random dancing, I could go on and on. I just need freedom so desperately. I need to move, run away from this town and all of these fragile memories that I can't let go of. It's like I'm asking God for a little space from my life. To regather myself. I'm working but a** off to try to buy a car. I'm a mom and I still have to be drive around ! I feel so pathetic. This isn't the life I wanted or the life I asked for. I'm so sick of people trying to give me advice that have never stood in my shoes before. If you've never lived it by all means shut your mouth before you try to come at me with advice.. I wont listen to you. People think they have it so freaking hard here in Naples if their oil is leaking. Get over yourself and your petty lifestyle. I'm at the peak of my patience, I feel like I'm drowning myself in every emotional way possible. People say..."you need to talk to someone". Why ? Why does a stranger deserve me to pour out my heart to them when they don't know me from Adam. Why? if they won't even remember my name tomorrow. Why?? Its pointless. I'm so ready to not struggle every day. I'm crying out for a beautiful rescue. I'm so sick of wishing I had my family back, I'll never understand why my dad left me. God does it hurt. Every time I step into that church and i stand there by myself I cant help to cry. I don't know how to recover from losing everyone I loved and trusted. I feel like if my own father would abandon my love and trust, who wouldn't? I'm strong enough now where I don't fall to the ground weeping as often pounding the ground and asking God to give me some kind of hope because I know I cant go on like this too much longer. The simple fact is I'm facing a daily struggle to love anyone who walks into my path or tries to act like they care. I have absolutely no faith in someone to truly love me. I gave my all the T down to everything I had in me and that was the last time I would let someone break me. The most discouraging thing about everything, is I know from here on out it will never get easier.

Angel

Its a new year. 2010 brought me hell. Losing my dad, losing T, but gaining the most beautiful gift I have ever received; Miss LeAnn Delilah. My blue eyed beauty. T and I finally separated after the fighting just got too rough. Screaming in my face and breaking things isn't the most charming, sorry to shock you! 7 months pregnant T told me he didn't love me anymore. I don't think I have ever pured my heart out so much to fight for someone in my life. My world revolved around him, but.. but what? Whats there to say. To melt my walls down so fast and to be vulnerable in the most naked sense wasn't easy. It felt right. I could break down in front of him whenever I needed to and he would always be there. Too bad he was only there physically. When I was distressed, he was numb to my feelings. I could curse his name until my fingers bled from typing...but I wont. He only made me robust. It was just another mountain. He told me that I should stay with my mom up in Indiana and have the baby there. Some "man".. I hadn't seen my mother in 6 years. So as he wished, I went. I was up there for 1 month and he wouldn't speak to me or answer my calls. Wow, and I was carrying his baby! Finally after a month passed he called me one night crying and asked me to come home. As he wished I followed his request. How could i not, he was the only thing I had. Without him I felt like I no longer had a purpose here. Once I returned the fighting got more heated and intense. When LeAnn was born it got even worse! I couldn't take it. So I asked him to move out. After a couple weeks we got into an argument and the outcome was losing the apartment. I have a baby, no car, no money, no where to go. Last resort; his parents house. Now I have 2 jobs and I'm a surviving single mother. I never thought the statistics would get to us. Were just another failing parents to bite there lips whenever we came into contact. My daughter will never live the life I did. No one person should ever bare the life this world has given me. But I'll look up when I walk and never stumble into relying on a man. I will forever rely on myself and teach my daughter to do so as well. You can't blame anyone for your own mistakes. I'm not sitting here saying I have the worst life in the world. God, I know many have it tremendously harder and I amend them for what they go through. So future?? Not even one day at a time. I have to take step by step until I can learn how to not stumble. I'll make it. You'll see for all the people who don't believe in me.

First Night of Revival

It's one thing to think you know something and another to have not a doubt your correct. That's how I feel sometimes when I come home and smell the alcohol under his breath that he trys so hard to hide due to the simple fact of him not knowing when I'll be home. I do this on purpose, that is to not tell him when I'll come home so I can catch him off guard. Sounds cruel I know, but it's a way of protecting myself and figuring out if he is indeed the boy who will rise to be my man. I plan to only get married once in my life. Therefore I don't want to choose the wrong knight for my castle. On another note tonight was the first time I went to a revival in a very long time. The second speaker was the one who made me want to change my life. I realize I'm not generally as happy as I once was before my father abandoned me. I try so hard to put it behind me, but I struggle with the thought of someone I looked up to and thought loved me the most in this world flat out leaving me..no letter, no goodbye, no phone call, or even a dinky little text. Pathetic. People keep on saying he needs me and I should forgive him for all he's done to me.. sending pictures of me to drug dealers off of our personal pictures on the computer.. Spending all of our money on strip clubs..leaving me with no money, food, or transportation. Tuff? I thought so a bit. I was raised in a Christian environment for years..but when my fathers life was falling apart, so was my world. I lost everyone who I thought loved me including friends. So I ventured out to find my own healing solution. Drugs and alcohol were the simple solution.. even though it didn't solve much of anything for me at all. It only brought me further from the place in life I wanted to be. The further down I dragged myself the more I felt drowned in my sea of helplessness. So tonight the speaker motivated me to go back to God for Joy. That's when I was the happiest before the summer of 2009. I want to go back to that place in my heart...