Heaven

Everyday I try to bite my lip before I make another excuse to why I can't keep my head up. LeAnn is my everything from my Sunrise to my Sunset and all the times I get up to put the pacey in her mouth in between time. My life revolves around this little life I work so hard for. I wish I could give her everything, I could lay here and cry my eyes out knowing I wont be able to tend to her every step. It crushes me to the bone..Someday all this pain will wash away and I'll be able to stand tall for her. Somewhere over the rainbow my blue sky will shine..

Beautiful Rescue

Living with T's parents isn't easy by any means. When I go to lay down in R's bed all I can think about is where T and I started. From the Tiffany's ring to our pumpkin carvings...that came out disastrous by the way. T's dad and I couldn't agree less on probably every topic...ever. Eh, and all I can do is keep my mouth shut. It's so frustrating that everywhere I look I see a memory in every room. Kitchen- making french toast, eggs with franks hot sauce. Bedroom- well what can I say? Bathroom- our random dancing, I could go on and on. I just need freedom so desperately. I need to move, run away from this town and all of these fragile memories that I can't let go of. It's like I'm asking God for a little space from my life. To regather myself. I'm working but a** off to try to buy a car. I'm a mom and I still have to be drive around ! I feel so pathetic. This isn't the life I wanted or the life I asked for. I'm so sick of people trying to give me advice that have never stood in my shoes before. If you've never lived it by all means shut your mouth before you try to come at me with advice.. I wont listen to you. People think they have it so freaking hard here in Naples if their oil is leaking. Get over yourself and your petty lifestyle. I'm at the peak of my patience, I feel like I'm drowning myself in every emotional way possible. People say..."you need to talk to someone". Why ? Why does a stranger deserve me to pour out my heart to them when they don't know me from Adam. Why? if they won't even remember my name tomorrow. Why?? Its pointless. I'm so ready to not struggle every day. I'm crying out for a beautiful rescue. I'm so sick of wishing I had my family back, I'll never understand why my dad left me. God does it hurt. Every time I step into that church and i stand there by myself I cant help to cry. I don't know how to recover from losing everyone I loved and trusted. I feel like if my own father would abandon my love and trust, who wouldn't? I'm strong enough now where I don't fall to the ground weeping as often pounding the ground and asking God to give me some kind of hope because I know I cant go on like this too much longer. The simple fact is I'm facing a daily struggle to love anyone who walks into my path or tries to act like they care. I have absolutely no faith in someone to truly love me. I gave my all the T down to everything I had in me and that was the last time I would let someone break me. The most discouraging thing about everything, is I know from here on out it will never get easier.

Angel

Its a new year. 2010 brought me hell. Losing my dad, losing T, but gaining the most beautiful gift I have ever received; Miss LeAnn Delilah. My blue eyed beauty. T and I finally separated after the fighting just got too rough. Screaming in my face and breaking things isn't the most charming, sorry to shock you! 7 months pregnant T told me he didn't love me anymore. I don't think I have ever pured my heart out so much to fight for someone in my life. My world revolved around him, but.. but what? Whats there to say. To melt my walls down so fast and to be vulnerable in the most naked sense wasn't easy. It felt right. I could break down in front of him whenever I needed to and he would always be there. Too bad he was only there physically. When I was distressed, he was numb to my feelings. I could curse his name until my fingers bled from typing...but I wont. He only made me robust. It was just another mountain. He told me that I should stay with my mom up in Indiana and have the baby there. Some "man".. I hadn't seen my mother in 6 years. So as he wished, I went. I was up there for 1 month and he wouldn't speak to me or answer my calls. Wow, and I was carrying his baby! Finally after a month passed he called me one night crying and asked me to come home. As he wished I followed his request. How could i not, he was the only thing I had. Without him I felt like I no longer had a purpose here. Once I returned the fighting got more heated and intense. When LeAnn was born it got even worse! I couldn't take it. So I asked him to move out. After a couple weeks we got into an argument and the outcome was losing the apartment. I have a baby, no car, no money, no where to go. Last resort; his parents house. Now I have 2 jobs and I'm a surviving single mother. I never thought the statistics would get to us. Were just another failing parents to bite there lips whenever we came into contact. My daughter will never live the life I did. No one person should ever bare the life this world has given me. But I'll look up when I walk and never stumble into relying on a man. I will forever rely on myself and teach my daughter to do so as well. You can't blame anyone for your own mistakes. I'm not sitting here saying I have the worst life in the world. God, I know many have it tremendously harder and I amend them for what they go through. So future?? Not even one day at a time. I have to take step by step until I can learn how to not stumble. I'll make it. You'll see for all the people who don't believe in me.